The Day of the Human Portrait

July 31, 2008

Acceptance and Appreciation…

I almost got kicked out of an introduction to sociology class today. I think that means I’m on the right track. Before the discussion got heated I said something interesting… I think. We were talking about gender roles which is a topic which interests me greatly. Well actually it’s not so much the gender roles which interest me as human interaction and learning. I was in the hospital today. I had an appointment with neurology. They determined the fall I had a few weeks ago was not a seizure, but I was more interested in trying to get an electroencephalogram. I had been meditating, and I wanted them to measure my brainwave patterns. They asked if I was interested in sleep disorders, but I told the doctors I was much more interested in human interaction and learning.

So I’m interested in human interaction and learning. Good for me. But what does that have to do with me getting almost kicked out of class…. Okay, okay, okay, she just invited me to leave. I don’t know why I’m so proud of that. But we were talking about gender roles and an essay by Michael Kimmel called “Masculinity as Homophobia”, and I was trying to explain why men fear men and why that was the basis for human interaction among males. I said (and don’t quote me on this cause I ain’t said shit… Yet!), that in Western culture the value system was based on scarcity and exclusivity. I got the impression I had said something interesting when she said, “And what do think would be a better value system.” I was so surprised at her interest that I stalled for time and told her that she would have to wait for my master’s thesis, but later the answer came to me: Appreciation and Acceptance. I capitalize these term because they have special meaning. Thank you.

You see the economic system is built a value system of Scarcity. And the “Western” values system of worth is built on the attitude of Exclusivity. These two concepts work together well to keep people’s actions based in fear. Fear of not having enough and fear of not being good enough. But the concepts of Appreciation and Acceptance are a powerful antidote to these ill of society. Instead of worrying about scarce resources, appreciate the resources we have. This concept goes much deeper as we analyze the true meaning of these words, but the same goes for exclusivity. Instead of looking at the objective world and dissecting it to understand its differences an attitude of acceptance lessen the friction between us and the outside world.

The Day of Tangible Presense

Today is Melina’s birthday. Here is our story, which I sent in a email to her a couple of weeks before her birthday.

Once upon a time…

There once was a man named Billy, who met a beautiful girl from a far away land. Her name was Melina. She had the cutest toes, freckles, a bright smile, a brilliant mind and for some reason drew all attention to her every room she stepped in. Billy fell in love with her from the moment he saw her. She, on the other hand, took a bit of convincing. Billy loved the darling Melina with all his heart, but she was not shy about telling him that, though she thought he was very nice, she did not love him. Billy was undaunted. He loved Melina. She made his life make sense.

Billy had lived a long, complicated and sometimes sad life. He had wandered about the world not quite knowing why he was there or what he was supposed to be doing. But when Melina came into his world all of the pieces fell into place. All of a sudden, his life had purpose. All he wanted to do was to make her happy. Seeing her smile made his life complete. It gave him joy to research fun things to do. He would read or hear about some wonderful sight or some marvelous event and think “Melina would love that!” This was love. He wasn’t bad at it and he enjoyed the work. Never had his life seemed so simple and clear. He didn’t care that she didn’t love him; it was enough that he loved her. His love for her filled his heart with joy.

Though long, complicated and sometimes sad, Billy believed he had lived a charmed life. He had escaped the grips of some tragic circumstances, and believed that God had a better life in store for him. He thought of God as this all-powerful puppet master, directing an intricate play. And though he believed in God almighty, Billy had never really praying FOR anything. His prayers were usually prayers of gratitude: “Phew! Thank you God for getting me out of that last one”. Billy had heard people make requests of God and even bargain with God for things or situation they desired, “God if you get me out of this jam, I promise I’ll…”, but Billy always thought this was kind of silly. What did any of us have that an all-powerful God needed or couldn’t just take for himself? But when Billy met Melina he was overcome and demanded… well prayed… ok… begged (and pretty shamelessly really) God give him Melina.

Things weren’t perfect. Billy loved Melina and wanted to marry her. But Melina was no fool. Melina knew enough about poverty, tragedy and hard times to want better for herself. She was planning to be a doctor, a child psychologist maybe. She would help people, charge hundreds of dollars per hour and live in a big house. Billy had just gotten out of rehab and worked in a coffeeshop. He didn’t get much encouragement from Melina about getting married. She had a shot at university back home. He loved her and didn’t want to hold her back from that. Things didn’t look good for them, but Billy loved Melina truly, madly, deeply. And slowly, as they went through the trials and tribulations couples go through, she started to love him too.

Melina had to leave in less than a year, but as if he was running as fast as he could into a brick wall, Billy loved her without limit. He knew his life was getting better and he wanted to show her he was a good choice. He wanted to show her that he could build a heaven for her. He got a promotion, bought a new car and a got a new apartment. Before she left, all of her friends from America threw her a big party for her birthday to let her know how special she was. They decorated the house and Billy bought Melina a huge chocolate cake with with her name spelled in sweet icing across the top. Melina was so happy. She said she had never had such a big cake and said she would love Billy no matter what. When Billy heard this, his heart sang. God was good. Melina still had to leave though.

Times were hard for the both of them for a while. Melina had a hard time adjusting to life back in Berlin. She was sad beyond description and couldn’t explain to Billy what was wrong. Billy didn’t understand. He had only asked God one request. He begged for her to come back, but when she finally said yes he wasn’t ready. But he was drowning in debt and he knew he couldn’t take care of her properly. She deserved better than what he had to offer at the time. Billy was very sad. He loved Melina. He wanted her to be happy. He couldn’t be there for her though. All he knew was now was not their time.

Billy did not know what to do. He tried taking other lovers. But his love for Melina always stopped him from falling too deeply. He broke a few hearts, but something deep down wouldn’t let him give himself completely to another. Melina needed to be held too and had no trouble finding men interested, but nobody treated her as good as
Billy did.

Not more than a day or two has gone by when Billy hasn’t thought of Melina, and it has gotten to the point where he’s worried he may never know love like that again or maybe he never stopped. He had just broken off his last relationship and was going to be content to live alone and learn to play guitar when one day he got a series of signs that his prayers were still pending: Some money came in… A friend agreed to take care of his place… Melina contacted him after months of silence. She has broken it off with the Macedonian med student she had fallen for. He turned out to be another controlling jerk. Billy wasn’t happy that she was sad, but he is happy she is free. Billy plans for an extended stay abroad are firming up. Things look good for late August. Maybe we have good timing. He wonders if she wouldn’t might seeing him after all these years. He knows he wants to see her.

This time…
Billy

Which was a response to this email:

Hey Dude …

I am really sorry that I haven´t written in so so long
I hope you are not too upset. But I was actually in serious trouble over the last 6 month.
I dont want to explain the whole thing…its a too sad stupid and crule storry.
But it was all coalated to my ex boyfriend (the psycho-medicin student). During our relationship he became a mean, all-dominant manipulator. He cotroled my whole life.
He forbit me the contact in the beginning only with all my male friends (including you) than with some gals, too and in the last month with every other human beeing who wasnt himself.
I totally lost my whole personality. He killed me socially and changed every single independent thought in me. I was a shadow of myself. And right now I try to recover…not that easy with these rainy cold summerdays.
But some few friends are still there – they survivied him and mybe you are one of them.
If not I`ll understand.

But anyways one question from my side….what is that DharmaAddict thing? I dont know if i get it the right way? Have you joined a spiritual community? Is it something like Annie did when I joined her in San Diego, or something totally diffrent? I would like to know more about it. But for an outsider the internet side seems sort of confusing (maybe my englisch got to worse
Well these days I am a lot of times on at skype…username linamee…mybe we have a good timing and reach each other there…if not I hope to read ya via Mail some time

Take care and all my best to you!
Mina

Early this morning I sent this email:

To hear my thoughts… to read my mind…

Happy Birthday Melina,

Thank you for this email. I glad you liked your birthday present. I’m very impressed that you restrained yourself from the sweets. Sending that package reminded me of the only other time my life had complete clarity: Back when you were here and all my life was about was making you happy. I was talking with a friend yesterday about the different paths one takes in life. Why we are draw to some people, places and things and the story line our lives take. We were taking about my trip to Berlin and how I have been drawn to Germany repeatedly and why that may be so. We didn’t come up with any answers, but she did offer to watch my cats for me and drive me to the airport on August 25, 2008.

I coming into a time of more clarity know, clarity about my career and life path. Things are finally falling into place; and though the journey will be long, I believe the rewards will be great all along the way. I hear myself talk often of the strange opportunities I have: my European passport, my ability to travel for free to any U.S. military base in the world and my modest pension and guaranteed income.

I haven’t seen you in forever who knows how we’ll feel when we see each other again. I really don’t know what this trip is about. As much as I want to make it about you. I’m worried. I think I might be repeating a pattern in my life. It took me 13 years to finish my first degree because I ran off to Germany. On one hand I’ve always said I would if I could. Now the opportunity has come up and I am faced with going and seeing you, not knowing what is going to happen or staying and doing the hard work of making a transition into a society that I have never felt a part of. It’s strange what this Obama presidency has done to me. I have always considered myself anti-establishment, but now I’m in this space where I’m trying to find my place in America. I’ve never really liked America. I don’t think that has been helpful to me. I’ve never really felt like it was my country really. I hadn’t really thought about how separate I’ve felt from this country. But now that the president looks like me I find myself thinking less about whether or not I fit in to society, but rather how I can fit into society. Maybe coming to Germany is about going someplace where I really don’t belong, so that I can feel more connected to the good old U.S. of A. Maybe I’m just getting older. I’m about to make a decision on where I’ll settle down, but before I do I want to take in the whole globe. I love California. The weather is nice and the culture is familiar. Silicon Valley is like the Hollywood of the Internet. I’d love to live somewhere cheaper though. My rational mind says that I could save more money, if I cut my rent in half. But I’d like to think that if it is more expensive to live then I’ll make more money. I should go. I’ve been writing for too long. We can talk more later. I just wanted to connect with you, get the conversation started and wish you a happy birthday.

I’m leaving on August 25, but I’m flying standby from a military base, so I don’t know when I’ll get there. Maybe we can arrange for you to pick me up at the train station.

Sorry about the brain dump. I often don’t speak because I don’t what I’m going to say.

I’m looking forward to our next time together. What ever that time may bring, may we not forget the affection we once held for one another. Let us move into this next phase with that in mind.

Bis dann,
Billy

As a response to this previously posted email:

Hey Billy

I am so overwhelmed that such a tenderly and wonderful man like you can not keep his mind away from a too young and unstrucktured woman who lives in a far far away country being not able to create a way of live for herself.
I got your birthday present in the middle of the week and i I really liked it. Even though I havent tried the sweets yet, because it isnt my birthday yet
Thank you Billy!
You are a great guy. And there was a story you told me once about a girl and a boy. a story about love and great feelings. a story about the right timing,two diffrent continents and great plans.
But Billy I am involved in that story and I am not able to handle my own live….please dont be dependent on a person like me. I am not at the point in my live where I wanne do all the things you are dreaming of.
You need someone with whom you can build a family, rais children and all those great things, which I am planing to do but not befor my early thirdies.
Its not fair to have you wait that long and in the end it maybe wont work at all.
Remember in two days its my 23rd Birthday….your scheme of life is around 10 years a head of mine.
I think there will never be thr right timing for us.
If you wanne come to berlin I welcome you as a friend and show you the city I alwas told you about. My berlin. But as a friend and nothing more.
In that year in america you became such a important person to me. We created such lasting memories that I will always conect the words california, SanFrancisco and Amrica with you.
I dont wanne add a drama in the end of the story. No broken heards no broken friendship.
Pleas Billy we can not make time move faster and right now I am a young lady light-heartingly dating a guy, enjoying the berlin sunshine and dreaming of the great places I wanne visit.
Pleas dont let the imagination you created of me arrest your person.

I really like you, would love to see you once more in a chapter of my life whenever this is going to be. So i hope that my demand for a friendship and not a lovers relatioship is not going to stand right in between everything we created so far.

I would really like to hear from you in the next days….to hear your thoughts, read your mind…

so take care and send me some lines back to good old germany!
TLC Me

The Day of the Winner

Monday, July 28, 2008

I’m posting this one a little late. Tigris came by yesterday and stayed over night. We watched the epic film “Mongol” about the rise of Ghengis Khan. There was a part in the film where Temugen Ghengis asks a boy who saves him to be his brother. Without hesitation the boy cuts himself; Ghengis does the same; and they become blood brothers. Yesterday Tigris brought the concept of family. This was a structure of our relationship which hadn’t occurred to me. The only goal I had in mind for our relationship was that it be long term and loving. The structure of a family helps with that.

Melina emailed me. She got my package, her birthday present and wrote me the most wonderful email.

Hey Billy

I am so overwhelmed that such a tenderly and wonderful man like you can not keep his mind away from a too young and unstrucktured woman who lives in a far far away country being not able to create a way of live for herself.
I got your birthday present in the middle of the week and i I really liked it. Even though I havent tried the sweets yet, because it isnt my birthday yet
Thank you Billy!
You are a great guy. And there was a story you told me once about a girl and a boy. a story about love and great feelings. a story about the right timing,two diffrent continents and great plans.
But Billy I am involved in that story and I am not able to handle my own live….please dont be dependent on a person like me. I am not at the point in my live where I wanne do all the things you are dreaming of.
You need someone with whom you can build a family, rais children and all those great things, which I am planing to do but not befor my early thirdies.
Its not fair to have you wait that long and in the end it maybe wont work at all.
Remember in two days its my 23rd Birthday….your scheme of life is around 10 years a head of mine.
I think there will never be thr right timing for us.
If you wanne come to berlin I welcome you as a friend and show you the city I alwas told you about. My berlin. But as a friend and nothing more.
In that year in america you became such a important person to me. We created such lasting memories that I will always conect the words california, SanFrancisco and Amrica with you.
I dont wanne add a drama in the end of the story. No broken heards no broken friendship.
Pleas Billy we can not make time move faster and right now I am a young lady light-heartingly dating a guy, enjoying the berlin sunshine and dreaming of the great places I wanne visit.
Pleas dont let the imagination you created of me arrest your person.

I really like you, would love to see you once more in a chapter of my life whenever this is going to be. So i hope that my demand for a friendship and not a lovers relatioship is not going to stand right in between everything we created so far.

I would really like to hear from you in the next days….to hear your thoughts, read your mind…

so take care and send me some lines back to good old germany!
TLC Me

I’m still planning on visiting her, but much of the pressure is off. I can flirt and try to woo her, but I really need to focus on a long-term relationship with her. I’m trying to keep all the people in my life. The concept of chosen family intrigues me.

The Day of Cultural Assessment

Tuesday July 29, 2008
I don’t plan on writing much. I must catch up on my sociology class reading assignments. That being the case, this is already a fitting post for The Day of Cultural Assessment.

I’ve got lunch with Olga today. We’re going to work out the plan for my trip. Let’s see how this all works out.

The Day of the Decision Makers

Sunday July 27, 2008
9:01 a.m.

I had some strange “dreams” last night. I was listening to Kelly Howell’s Universal Mind Meditation. While listening to the tape I experienced some incredible almost lucid sex dreams. At some points during the tape I realized that I was asleep that I couldn’t really move. I was in my body but not of my body, in the sense that my thoughts did not directly lead to actions. I did my best to detach and let the sensations happen. It was a sensuous experience. I enjoyed the feeling of my lips moving against another’s lips and skin. I enjoyed the feeling of touching and being touched. It was enjoyable in every sense, except the lack of control. I would rather initiate action, particularly in sexual encounters, the feeling that I was engaging in activities without my intention, didn’t sit well.

I’m curious. Yesterday during my meditation I caught a vision, dreamed, of two witches — good friends and old lovers of mine — Catherine and Katharyn, linked up in a kiss. As they kissed I heard them say, “He’s too beautiful to think”. As if they would be doing some thinking for me. But last night the soul interaction I felt with was neither of these women. It was Alison — sexy, smart, funny — Alison S. (Okay This might publish this some day. So I’ll try to save others anonymity as best as possible)

If there was ever one whom got away, it was Ali. Lately I’ve been spending quite a bit of psychological time and energy clarifying my relationship intentions and integrating them with my words and deeds. I want to be with someone who is beautiful and fun to be with. Putting out those intentions are based on a couple of issues related to Ali. First, I stalled my relationship with Alison under the guise of wanting to have children and her being older. She countered with the rational argument that I had the order of the process mixed up. She (and I extrapolate that most intelligent, independent women) wouldn’t consider having a child outside the container created by a stable relationship. The thought of raising a child on ones own is a nightmare most women would gladly avoid. If children are what I want, according to Ali, my primary concern should be creating and maintaining a stable relationship. I couldn’t argue then that the ideal way for a child to enter this world is within the context of two people who are in a stable, loving and supportive relationship. That was how I was raised and most of the stable, rational (me not included) people I know were raised. But the more I think about it there are a few examples of children and adult whom I know who seem to be quite well adjusted, being raised in a non-traditional environment. Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama was raised in a nontraditional environment. My obsession Melina’s host mother Anne raised her daughter Emma all the way from artificial insemination (I think Emma is three now) with only the help of au pairs as Anne worked a full-time high powered executive, supporting Wendy Wasserstein plays among others, for her successful non-profit theater production company. Emma was a brilliant child last time I saw her. Shoot! I forgot my own niece and nephew. My sister is doing a wonderful job with them, but I have to admit, that I can’t say that situation wasn’t exactly what she was hoping for.

Ali and I broke up more than a year ago and our relationship only lasted a few months, but Ali remains an impressive influence in my life. She was an monument to the power of rational thought, a wonderful example of the rewards of right action and a well examine life. And she was beautiful and fun to be with. Which was my second relationship issue related to Ali. As I think about my life situation currently, Ali makes up a large part of the reasons why I want what I want and examples of what I want in a relationship. She is , or was the last time I saw her, beautiful and fun to be with.

Wow… I did not plan on writing all this, but what came out was quite interesting. This should be and interesting read later.

The Day of the Symbolic Herald

Saturday, July 26, 2008
This morning I awoke in a gorgeous South of Market studio (okay… junior one bedroom) — hardwood floors, marble countertops, vaulted ceilings, etc. Kam’s new condo is off the hook. Waking up there this morning was a brief beautiful glimpse of the life I intend for myself. I’m realizing that owning a home and creating someplace which is mine is an important part the art of living. Nesting and having a beautiful environment will help root me to a place. Right now I’m in between rushing off to Europe to be with my old flame, whom I rarely talk to, and moving off to Oakland/Berkeley area, where I’ve been building relationships and have found family, both biological and chosen, and moving to someplace cheap like Oregon to live.

The choice seems obvious. Of course I should stay move to Oakland as soon as possible and start studying, but I gave my word to this girl, and I want to be a man of my word. I said I was leaving about the end of August, so that is what I’m planning to do. I just checked the Fall 2008 calendar at Canada College. Classes begin August 18, 2008. Darn it. If I go I’ll have to take a semester off and go. I don’t know if that will work. I was planning on taking a statistics and and English class this semester, and I have the feeling if I miss my appointments for two months I might have trouble with the VA. I would have to cover my tracks a bit with the VA in order to go… Or I could just go and not worry about it. I don’t have to explain myself. I’m working on the concept of not having to defend myself. I don’t have to act rational or pretend to be sane. I can tell the VA what happened when I get back. Olga said she would watch my place and cats for me. I trust her because I believe she knows the value of trust even better than I. And she is a better communicator. If I call her, she’ll drop what she doing and answer the phone or get back to me. She knows the value of staying connected. I want to see Berlin with Melina… that matters. I want to see Berlin with this woman… that is what matters. Until I do will remain a nagging desire until it turns into a festering regret.

Last night was a blast I did everything I said was going to do: had fun, caught up with Kam, and talked with a few nice women. Kam and I made quite an impression last night. It was a good ego boost. I’ve got to work out and get my eating back in order. I was doing well for a couple of days in that. I ate with a grand awareness, stopping when I was full. I’ve got to work connecting with that energy and holding that awareness.

I think that’s it for tonight.

till next time…

The Day of Quixotic Exploits

Wow! As I type this John Coltrane’s Ogunde just went stereo in the new V-Moda headphones I bought at the Apple Store. Nice back drop. My Favorite Things never, I’m mean never sounded like this. Life is good. I really just wanted to drop this line to keep me in the flow of posting.

I’m about to go check out my friend Kam. He just bought a new townhouse in The City. I didn’t think I was going to be able to go, but an assignment I thought was going to be due today got canceled. So I’m off to shower and get ready to enjoy an evening.

I just acquired a pair of Salvador Ferragamo handmade Italian leather shoes. I’m looking forward to stepping out in them tonight. I just came into some money. Kam’s comes from money and is on his way to more. He is a salesman and tonight I want to learn from him how to be closing in on a relationship with someone who is beautiful and fun to be with. It’s really up to me. I think I need to start putting more of what I want in my life so that more of what I don’t want can drop off. I’m going to have fun tonight, catch up with KamStar and enjoy some conversation with some lovely ladies.

MashAllah as Billy would say…

InshAllah as Kam would say…

Till next time…

What is a Dharma Addict? (Continued…)

法 Dharma 上癮者 Addict
July 15, 2008

Dear Dharma Addict,

Thus, I find that for you, there are indeed levels of love, for I have no doubt that you still love me now, though not in that overwhelming way. So you could have said “I love you” without lying, though in my book, being authentic is a good thing. Actions, however, send messages, even if you do not say them in words. What does it mean when you spend hours every day talking to someone? What is making love but saying “I love you” on a physical level? Some say that sex and love are not the same thing, but when you are a princess, they are.

I realize that you are not a princess, however; so when you told me the other day that you wanted to make love to me, what did that mean? When I make love, I feel the forever-ness, and I felt it with you on Thursday night. So what does it mean to be occasional lovers? That you have forever-ness, but only in the moment? Maybe forever-ness is not a matter of timetables but a matter of unlimitedness in the moment. If you don’t subscribe to the concept of forever-ness, what what did it mean to you when you made love to me? What does it mean to you? (This is a real question; I am looking for a real answer.)

Timelessness in the moment…

The infinite richness of every moment is accessible to all of us in every moment. Making love reminds us of that. Our divinity lies, at least partially, in what of each moment we take into ourselves, and to some extent, how we draw meaning and express what we experience. When I touch you, I feel your skin and you feel my touch. With sighs and moans through gross and subtle stimulus and response, we share an experience. Even when you are not physically with me, my memories of your smells, my hand in your hair, the wetness of your lips on my tongue and that untranslatable part of the experience that is you draws me closer. Desire — simple, vibrant: I want you. I want to feel your skin. I want you to feel me. I want experience all of the momentum of time and space that brought me to you in the moment. I want to feel all of this through you, not only to know more of my own existence, but because what I feel for you makes me want to expand your existence as mine is expanding: That is love.

As I hear your sighs and moans of desire and relief, I know more of moment, more of what it is to be human. As I pant breathlessly and scream from the depths of me, I pray you know there is more in this existence to experience. This is love: the oneness we share as I inhale in your breath and exhale ours, as we look into each others eyes, knowing that what we are experiencing most is each of us in the other, in the flesh, my flesh in yours. Knowing that brutalized by passion the mind however briefly surrenders to the bodies and is silent, leaving the flesh that lives to experience life to experience you. In that moment you are most completely (Holy?) you and beyond: You are elation, joy, desire and dreams of my mind’s eye made fresh and whole. You are exhaustion and disappointment, surprise and knowing. You are need for me and satisfaction. The separation between us crumbles and I am you in all those fleeting expressions of what it is to be you while witnessing the very moment we share.

What does it mean to be occasional lovers? It means to give this love to each other on occasion, to lift each other’s spirit from a place so intimate that only lovers have access to it. Through the heights of our experience my vision of what is and could be unhinges from the bounds of me because I know there is more. Maybe that is why we have such a valley of a day after as we sink back into ourselves. Sometimes I think, we must find a way to bring all of those feelings and experiences back into ourselves and hold them. The beauty, though, is in the knowing, the knowing that the timelessness, the foreverness of being is available to us in this moment because there is infinite depth in this moment. How does your hair feel on your neck? What is the farthest sound from you can hear right now? Can you hear even farther? Are you breathing? Is your heart pounding? Is there more to you?

Till next time,

Dharma Addict

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What is a Dharma Addict? (Continued…)

法 Dharma 上癮者 Addict
June 29, 2008

My confusion around love has collided with my lover’s clarity around commitment. It’s a big mess right now — a beautiful mess, but mess none the less.

more to come…